The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
