you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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