I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
