I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
