I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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