I accidentally had phone sex last night
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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