we have pet lesbian snakes
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
