i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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