i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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