Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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