i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
