We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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