hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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