then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
