you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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