He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
