hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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