I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
