I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
