I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
P.S. I can't hear my feet
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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