Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
