I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
