K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i permit you to call me
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
