how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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