I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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