yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
