I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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