Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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