Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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