I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
