the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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