Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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