if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
