you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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