Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Too much gin, very little bucket
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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