She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
