so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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