A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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