the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
