1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
