I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
