the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
