Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
