Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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