she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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