U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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