Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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