i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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