I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
