I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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