Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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