New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
