I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
