College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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