Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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