He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
