Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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