Who wears a wallet chain?!
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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