She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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