This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize