Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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