He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
