I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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